Chen's Liu

Have you ever been in this situation? You’re at the park…enjoying a casual Sunday afternoon stroll, when suddenly, out of the penetrating darkness comes this wickedly green blur that dashes before your eyes. The intolerable buzzing noise of the creature’s flying apparatus resonates in your ears. Closer inspection of the creature reveals a pair of parlously sharp attacking devices. As it approaches, all hope seems to fade.

For all you Spiderman fans, no….this article is NOT about the green goblin. This article discusses the reasons why the species ‘Praying Mantis’, or as it is known in the scientific world ‘Prayingteus Mantiseus’, should be wiped from the face of this Earth.

Please people, do not get me wrong. I am not a “nature-hater”. I am not “anti-mother-nature”. I ‘dig’ this Earth just as much as the next guy. I pick up rubbish, refuse to use CFC’s, recycle tin cans and even occasionally soothe trees with songs of hope. However, certain issues and, in this case, certain animals just push me too far. This brings me on to my special feature today. My intense dislike of Prayingteus Mantiseus is not an unjustified one, as there are many justifications for my intense dislike of Prayingteus Mantiseus.

First of all, the factor of danger. Praying Mantises are very dangerous animals. They have the potential to harm not only yourself, but your family and maybe even your family’s family. We are constantly reminded of their hazardousness through current events. Just last year, a man driving through the suburban woods of Toronto, Canada at 10pm saw a giant green Prayingteus Mantiseus (around 3cm in diameter) in the middle of the road. In an effort to save the animal (and to avoid costly insurance fees) he swerved off the side of the road and into a ditch. Luckily, the ditch was a storage facility for the local “Pillow and Spare Air Bags” factory, so the man came out of that accident A-okay. However, he did suffer long term mental damage and suffers psychosomatic stress whenever he’s near anything green, praying, or mantis-like. One could imagine how traumatic St. Patrick’s Day must be for this man.  

Second of all, historically, the mantis has always been an enemy of the human. It is not an uncommon site to see youngsters between the ages of 2months and 16 years to be frightened at the very sight of these green menaces. Few people know that our instinctive fear of these animals is based on the instincts passed down to us from our forefathers and our foremothers. Back in the very beginning, on the plains of Gondwanaland, the Praying Mantises were the second most dominant species (the most dominant, of course, being the dinosaurs). The earliest species of human, a.k.a. Homo Not-Yet-Erectus, discovered these insect-like creatures first and fought them hard. However, the extremely primitive rifles and grenades were not sufficient to halt the mantis onslaught. During this period of time (historians estimate it to be between the Jurassic Period and the late 1980’s) the mantises developed and perfected their characteristic side-to-side swaying motion. This motion has since been adopted by many American Fighter Jets…and also by many American bureaucrats.

Even in the ancient Chinese Scrolls of Beijing, there are tales of mantises causing all types of mischief and grief. Fortunately for us, the scrolls were written in English. In one of the scrolls, it says “They came riding fast, on their fast horses. They came from the desert at a fast speed. They were very fast at tearing down the wall. But we were fast in our response and we rapidly (historians agree that this must have been the point where the writer picked up a thesaurus) crushed their speedy efforts.” While it is entirely possible that the scrolls were referring to Mongolian invasions, I choose to believe in the more realistic option of a mantis assault.

Lastly, to all intent and purposes, Mantises are useless. They contribute almost nothing to the world. Most of the Mantis family is unemployed, and thus (if my NCEA Level 1 Economics serves me right) they contribute nothing to the economy because they are neither a consumer nor a producer. In terms of resources, they provide nothing. Chickens provide eggs for food, pigs provide insulin for diabetes patients, and giraffes provide material to make ladders, but Mantises have nothing of use. Some might Say that their presence in several ecosystems is vital. But I say ‘Say What?!’. Any role that the Mantis plays (whether it be primary consumer or Lady Macbeth) another creature can easily take its place upon its disappearance. I asked the question “If a species is removed from a community or ecosystem, is it certain that another animal species will take its place?” on a leading world biology online resource (i.e. www.google.com). On page 23 of the 130,000 results the word ‘Yes’ can be clearly seen. This just proves that the Mantis’ very existence on this planet serves no purpose.

So what do the majority of the NZ public “reckon”? To get an unbiased and representative sample, I headed to the ‘Eliminate the Mantis’ Organization (a.k.a. EMO). The results were decisive. An astonishing 56 out of 56 people supported the extinction of Prayingteus Mantiseus. That’s around 100%! If my calculations are correct, that means approximately 4 million New Zealanders do not wish Praying Mantises to exist anymore. At this point, I must state…my sample statistics is only an estimate of the population statistics. Some variation may exist.

It is dangerous, has negative historical significance, lacks purpose, and most people do not want it. No, this is not a description of NCEA (as NCEA does not have a history). This is a summary of why the Praying Mantis should be removed. I hope by now you will look at this species with a different light. I hope by now you see that my intense dislike of Prayingteus Mantiseus is a justified one. I am not trying to stir up trouble ladies and gentlemen. My only wish is that you become aware of the possibility that the Mantis might strike. For all the people who admire the beauty and the awe-inspiring nature of these majestic wonders, please remain calm. This article was not intended to offend you. If it was, it would have been titled ‘Why Praying Mantises and Mantis-Huggers should be extinct.’ At the end of the day, all the Japanese odd-fellows who spend their time killing whales should really be firing their harpoons at this imminent threat. The extinction of the Praying Mantis is what is needed. Unfortunately, my pen is running out of ink. So until next time, this has been the one and only, fresh and fruity, Chen Liu.

NB: All references to current events, resources, or information are made-up. This article was just for fun. Any opinions expressed in this article belong to the author and do not represent this organization. Several Mantises were killed in the making of this article.